One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you