It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.