Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies