i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️
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[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
When the stylist spins you back around
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus