My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
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Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
<—- homeless romantic
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]