NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
(more comics:
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?