“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
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bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Are we there yet?…
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Always…
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.