I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
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A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.