It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
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*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?