picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
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What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND