Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
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I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Weirdly Wednesday.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.