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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*