to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
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[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.