Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
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My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles