I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
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How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow