Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
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[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
The booster protects against what, now?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.