sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
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I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My blood type is coffee.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza