4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
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How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her: