Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
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I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Hey i am sexy to you now
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat