Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
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I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”