“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head