Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
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Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.