Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
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Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.