Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
That 👊
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.