“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
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restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Jesus Christ lmao
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry