Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
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TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.