I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.