coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
pls suprot
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend