MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.