I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
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Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”