Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
that de-escalated quickly
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.