My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
The options really are this bad
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Thursday
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?