Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.