Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
You Might Also Like
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
look at me when i’m typing to you
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*