“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
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I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
*lint rolls you awake*
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.