To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
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Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*