Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Sooo many times…..
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
🤣
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.