TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.