Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
it was love at first sight
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Selfie
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
my dog when i have a friend over
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes