The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
yes… yes…
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance