[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“Sheer Arrogance”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial