My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
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[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.