My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
TODAY
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.