You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?