Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
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There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”