“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
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I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Clients after you give them your rates
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
A bad analogy is like a cucumber