You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
The government even made aliens boring
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.