That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
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Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”