I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
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If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job