[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
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At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
This is my emotional support knife.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Room with a view.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.